This Beautiful Mess Called Life

As an artist at heart, I love seeing the final product of what I envisioned in my head on a canvas, but when in the process of getting it complete, it just looks like a mess and doesn't seem to make any sense. It's just a mass array of smeared colors that look like something a 4 year old did… 

Note: This post is going to express more of a vulnerable side of me, but I pray that it can ultimately be used for God's glory and not mine. 

I'm always trying to portray an image of perfection. I always want to seem like I have it all together and that I'm 100% completely content with where God has me in life at this moment. I wish I could say that I don't struggle in that area; the area of contentment, but the truth of the matter is that I'm constantly struggling with it. I find myself constantly begging God to take my pain and impatience, constantly trying to remind myself that I'm right where He wants me at this time. It's such a difficult battle that I sometimes feel I can't win… the battle to die to self. The perfectionistic side of me wants to see steps taken and results in return, permanent results, but that's just it, if I reached perfection, would I need to trust God for anything??

Bare with me here for a moment, I'm going to have a good emotional dumping…

As a person who desperately seeks others approval - I'm constantly wondering what others are thinking of me. Constantly wondering if they think I can't seem to get my life together in regards to my future career (since I've changed educational paths so many times). I sometimes wonder if people just think that this "poor girl" just can't get her life figured out. I'm constantly thinking… Do they pity me??

What am I accomplishing in this life right now? I have a job that a high schooler could do (please don't think I'm not happy that I have this job or content with it - this is merely me trying to make a point). I've spent so much money on a college degree that I'm not even using. I've recently changed my grad school plans from Occupational Therapy, a degree that this world finds honorable and respectable, to seminary school, which I've had many say "it makes no money," as if I'm doing it for the money?? 

Sometimes I just feel like my life is at a standstill and I'm just exhaustively running with all my might, just to find myself in the exact same spot. 

Besides career paths - I wonder if I'll ever be a wife or a mom. Almost all my friends that I went to college with have accomplished so much and are either happily married with several kids or are in a successful career. Sometimes I can't help but feel as if God has forgotten about me… I know very well that this isn't true, but it's just how it feels sometimes. 

Going back to that mass array of smeared colors on a canvas… it is only that way temporarily. As you continue to paint, and step back from the painting rather than seeing it up close, you get this…

You see, the picture above was only a close up of a portion of the painting. Sure looks different now, doesn't it? That's exactly how this life is. God sees the entire picture - what does He see that I'm not seeing? He sees my WHOLE life and I'm only seeing the close up version. I'm only seeing life in it's gradual process to completion, but He sees the beauty I have yet to see. How encouraging is that?? 

It's scary at times to think that God sees my entire life mapped out before Him. He literally knows my wedding date, if it's His will for me to marry. He knows how many kids I will have and He knows their exact names. He knows my future career and how He plans on me using my gifts in that career. He knows my last breath taken on this earth. He has it all right in His hands. It's such an amazing thought, yet so scary because I have no control over any of it or how it turns out. 

What makes me think that I want control of my life?

Celeste, you've only managed to cause turmoil and destruction and yet you still worry about not being able to take charge?? My plans aren't His plans for my life, and seriously, if they aren't His plans, then I don't want them. Life has not gone according to my plans so far, and even though I went through a time of not being happy about things not going my way, I am beginning to slowly step back from the close up of the painting to see a little more and more of this beautiful mess of a life, and that brings me such peace and contentment with where God has me right now. 

If you told me when I was 18 that when I'm 27 I would still be single, planning on seminary school for a future career in ministry, planning on going on mission trips, and trying to lead others to Christ -  I would have fallen off my chair in laughter. Why? Because NONE of those things were in my plans at that time. 

 - my plan was to graduate by 23

 - my plan was to have a degree in nursing

 - my plan was to be married to a handsome doctor shortly after graduating

 - my plan was to be making lots of money and getting higher up in my profession

 - my plan was to live in a really expensive house in Frisco

 - my plan was to be driving my dream car (none other than a Lexus SUV)

 - my plan was to have 2 kids by 26

Where was God in any of that?? To be honest, He was not in my plans. He was the last thing on my "priority list". My hopes were not in Christ, they were in a husband, materialism, and money. I mean after all, aren't those things what bring you joy in this life?

Boy was I wrong!

Now, at 27, I find myself waiting for God's perfect timing and finding my true contentment in my relationship with Him, not in a high paying job, materialism, or a spouse. I'm at peace as I wait for the man He is molding for me and for my future career because I know that He knows what is best for me. I certainly wish I could say that by doing it God's way that it means it is the super easy and carefree way. At times, it is the most difficult process ever to push my desires aside and wait on God's timing and His desires for my life. To learn patience and self-control when I always did the opposite in this life. I always wanted to take charge of my life, so therefore I took matters into my own hands rather than seeking prayerfully for God's will. It's hard!! It's literally a dying to self everyday. Yet, that is where I am finding true joy! 

Here is the truth I must remind myself of everyday…

God is in control - all this loneliness, all this pain, all this patience, will one day pay off. One day it will all make sense. 

Until I am home with my Heavenly Father, I pray that I will find myself waiting… waiting faithfully on His timing and His will for my life. 


"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." -Philippians 4:11-12

"Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the church." -1 Corinthians 7:17

"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment" -1 Timothy 6:6