This Beautiful Mess Called Life

As an artist at heart, I love seeing the final product of what I envisioned in my head on a canvas, but when in the process of getting it complete, it just looks like a mess and doesn't seem to make any sense. It's just a mass array of smeared colors that look like something a 4 year old did… 

Note: This post is going to express more of a vulnerable side of me, but I pray that it can ultimately be used for God's glory and not mine. 

I'm always trying to portray an image of perfection. I always want to seem like I have it all together and that I'm 100% completely content with where God has me in life at this moment. I wish I could say that I don't struggle in that area; the area of contentment, but the truth of the matter is that I'm constantly struggling with it. I find myself constantly begging God to take my pain and impatience, constantly trying to remind myself that I'm right where He wants me at this time. It's such a difficult battle that I sometimes feel I can't win… the battle to die to self. The perfectionistic side of me wants to see steps taken and results in return, permanent results, but that's just it, if I reached perfection, would I need to trust God for anything??

Bare with me here for a moment, I'm going to have a good emotional dumping…

As a person who desperately seeks others approval - I'm constantly wondering what others are thinking of me. Constantly wondering if they think I can't seem to get my life together in regards to my future career (since I've changed educational paths so many times). I sometimes wonder if people just think that this "poor girl" just can't get her life figured out. I'm constantly thinking… Do they pity me??

What am I accomplishing in this life right now? I have a job that a high schooler could do (please don't think I'm not happy that I have this job or content with it - this is merely me trying to make a point). I've spent so much money on a college degree that I'm not even using. I've recently changed my grad school plans from Occupational Therapy, a degree that this world finds honorable and respectable, to seminary school, which I've had many say "it makes no money," as if I'm doing it for the money?? 

Sometimes I just feel like my life is at a standstill and I'm just exhaustively running with all my might, just to find myself in the exact same spot. 

Besides career paths - I wonder if I'll ever be a wife or a mom. Almost all my friends that I went to college with have accomplished so much and are either happily married with several kids or are in a successful career. Sometimes I can't help but feel as if God has forgotten about me… I know very well that this isn't true, but it's just how it feels sometimes. 

Going back to that mass array of smeared colors on a canvas… it is only that way temporarily. As you continue to paint, and step back from the painting rather than seeing it up close, you get this…

You see, the picture above was only a close up of a portion of the painting. Sure looks different now, doesn't it? That's exactly how this life is. God sees the entire picture - what does He see that I'm not seeing? He sees my WHOLE life and I'm only seeing the close up version. I'm only seeing life in it's gradual process to completion, but He sees the beauty I have yet to see. How encouraging is that?? 

It's scary at times to think that God sees my entire life mapped out before Him. He literally knows my wedding date, if it's His will for me to marry. He knows how many kids I will have and He knows their exact names. He knows my future career and how He plans on me using my gifts in that career. He knows my last breath taken on this earth. He has it all right in His hands. It's such an amazing thought, yet so scary because I have no control over any of it or how it turns out. 

What makes me think that I want control of my life?

Celeste, you've only managed to cause turmoil and destruction and yet you still worry about not being able to take charge?? My plans aren't His plans for my life, and seriously, if they aren't His plans, then I don't want them. Life has not gone according to my plans so far, and even though I went through a time of not being happy about things not going my way, I am beginning to slowly step back from the close up of the painting to see a little more and more of this beautiful mess of a life, and that brings me such peace and contentment with where God has me right now. 

If you told me when I was 18 that when I'm 27 I would still be single, planning on seminary school for a future career in ministry, planning on going on mission trips, and trying to lead others to Christ -  I would have fallen off my chair in laughter. Why? Because NONE of those things were in my plans at that time. 

 - my plan was to graduate by 23

 - my plan was to have a degree in nursing

 - my plan was to be married to a handsome doctor shortly after graduating

 - my plan was to be making lots of money and getting higher up in my profession

 - my plan was to live in a really expensive house in Frisco

 - my plan was to be driving my dream car (none other than a Lexus SUV)

 - my plan was to have 2 kids by 26

Where was God in any of that?? To be honest, He was not in my plans. He was the last thing on my "priority list". My hopes were not in Christ, they were in a husband, materialism, and money. I mean after all, aren't those things what bring you joy in this life?

Boy was I wrong!

Now, at 27, I find myself waiting for God's perfect timing and finding my true contentment in my relationship with Him, not in a high paying job, materialism, or a spouse. I'm at peace as I wait for the man He is molding for me and for my future career because I know that He knows what is best for me. I certainly wish I could say that by doing it God's way that it means it is the super easy and carefree way. At times, it is the most difficult process ever to push my desires aside and wait on God's timing and His desires for my life. To learn patience and self-control when I always did the opposite in this life. I always wanted to take charge of my life, so therefore I took matters into my own hands rather than seeking prayerfully for God's will. It's hard!! It's literally a dying to self everyday. Yet, that is where I am finding true joy! 

Here is the truth I must remind myself of everyday…

God is in control - all this loneliness, all this pain, all this patience, will one day pay off. One day it will all make sense. 

Until I am home with my Heavenly Father, I pray that I will find myself waiting… waiting faithfully on His timing and His will for my life. 


"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." -Philippians 4:11-12

"Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the church." -1 Corinthians 7:17

"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment" -1 Timothy 6:6

Is Physical Purity Our Only Concern?

Our generation lives in a culture that doesn't give us 20 & 30-somethings a good example of how to be in a healthy relationship, much less a God-honoring one. 


Leaving behind the old me & my worldly-praised relationship patterns, and being surrounded by amazing brothers and sisters in Christ that model what a God-honoring relationship/marriage looks like has opened my eyes to a world of dating I NEVER knew was possible. Now, by no means am I an expert in this department, but I honestly believe that God is teaching me daily what its suppose to look like vs. how the world says it should be. 


Now it just makes sense and it's because of the growth I have experienced in my walk with Christ and yearning to know more about His word. Seriously, I now view the Bible as my "handbook" for how to handle life, whereas before I never even cared to open it, or maybe it was just something about this big book that had the words "Holy Bible" on it that just intimidated me. Whatever the reason was, the Bible that I owned since I was 12 looked brand new with crisp pages and all when I found it a couple months ago. Now I crave to learn more about what God desires for His children and the life we live on this earth. There is just something about an intimate and deep relationship with Christ that just brings the Word of God to life. In fact, I know what that something is… it's the Holy Spirit! 


Okay, I'm going into a tangent that isn't particularly meant for this blog… so I digress and move on to my main topic… :) 


Emotional Purity…


We, especially those in the church, are all too familiar with the topic of physical purity, but something that I come across time and time again as I interact with young adults is this whole getting your heart broken by someone that you were only friends with, but maybe didn't necessarily act like friends with. Hearing it so often, I felt led to dedicate this post to the topic of emotional purity and how beneficial it is for men and women to be just as careful in this area as they would in the area of physical boundaries. 


I'll rewind with a story from my past that maybe some of you will be able to identify with. When I was a sophomore in college, there was a guy I became really close friends with. We really enjoyed each others company and it was just really easy to talk with him about everything and anything. We pretty much hung out all the time and went to Rangers games together, took road trips, danced out on the parking lot during a full moon, phone conversations till late at night, coffee, movies, basketball, etc., etc., etc. Now, it never went beyond that. I honestly did not like him as anything more than friends, but the more we became vulnerable with each other by sharing our past stories or just hanging out all the time, the more I began to notice that he was acting like he was interested in something more than just a friendship. Even though I began to notice this, I still continued to hang out with him for several reasons and even though I'm not proud of those reasons, I will honestly share with you all exactly why I continued hanging out with him all the time...

1. Because I liked the attention I was getting, and
2. Because I was lonely and enjoyed the company

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I couldn't stand the guy and was just solely using him. I really liked his personality and he had a lot of the qualities I wanted in a boyfriend, I just couldn't view him as anything more than a friend. We literally continued this "friendship" for almost a year! He didn't tell me the truth about his feelings towards me until I began opening up to him about a guy I was interested in that was actually one of his closest friends. Yeah… talk about complicated! I had to be upfront at this point about the fact that I did not see him as anything more than just friends. Needless to say, one walked away that day with a broken heart and the other walked away with a broken friendship beyond repair. 

I don't like sharing that story because it makes me feel like such a jerk. Even though he was never upfront about his feelings until almost a year later, I still feel like I was careless in how I handled the situation because I did begin to notice earlier on that he was acting like he was interested in more than just being friends (not to mention, I had friends telling me that he liked me). I continued hanging out with him for selfish reasons and was reckless with the heart of my brother in Christ. 

The reason I share that story is because I'm not the only one that this happens to, in fact, it happens ALL the time! At one point in my life, a similar scenario as described above happened to me but with me being left with the broken heart. 

"Emotional intimacy is the kind of closeness and familiarity that stirs feelings and senses that promote a bond, a union that God reserves for the marriage relationship." - Heather Arnel Paulsen

Here's my point: friendship with the opposite sex is a delicate matter and should not be taken lightly because you may be playing with the heart of another person. 

Friends, guard your heart! When you play with the emotions and expectations of someone without expecting to satisfy them in a righteous way, you are defrauding them. You CANNOT righteously satisfy another person until you make a commitment. You need to consider that you are dealing with another person's future husband or wife. 

Would you like knowing that your future spouse is giving himself/herself emotionally and spiritually to another?? 

So, is the point of this whole post just to tell you all that you shouldn't be friends with the opposite sex?? ABSOLUTELY NOT! 

What I am trying to say is: don't become emotionally involved to every guy/girl that comes your way. Be careful to not spend so much one-on-one time alone with the opposite sex. Set boundaries! 

Word of advice for guys…

1) Women are emotional! Most of you may have already figured that one out, but just in case… we are  e-m-o-t-i-o-n-a-l  !! And it's not a bad thing, women's ability to emotionally connect is the "superglue" for her marriage, BUT not for all her male friendships! 

2) The female heart should be protected! Ask yourself what you can do to help the women in your life protect and save their hearts for their future mates. 

3) If you tell a woman you just want to "be friends" then you better treat her like you would any of your other friends (male or female) because I promise you she will believe your behavior more than your words! Guys, unfortunately, we tend to overanalyze every little thing you guys do. 

4) Talk to all girls equally. The more you share with a woman, the more you may be causing her to draw closer to you. 

Word of advice for girls…

1) Treat the men in your life the way you would any of your other friends (male or female)! Do not pay special attention to them. Keep your thoughts captive to Jesus Christ! Control your actions and thoughts because there is no commitment of a lifelong partnership with any one of them. 

2) Girls, it's not always the guys fault. You must observe how he treats all girls because if you are reading into his actions and he treats everyone the same way, then you have no reason at that time to think that he is pursuing you. 

3) Don't share intimate details of your life or intimate parts of your testimony with them. Save that for the one you are committed to. 

4) View your guy friends as a brother relationship. Don't focus on the what-ifs but rather on the now! 

Stop focusing on the guy/girl and start focusing on God!

The Old Is Gone…

Happy Sunday bloggers! 


I haven't posted in quite some time and thought today would be a perfect day to catch up. 


Since my last post, God has turned my life COMPLETELY upside down… and it's been GREAT! I don't think I could have even imagined how wonderful life can be when you have an intimate relationship with Christ. To be honest, I didn't even think you could have a real relationship with Christ. I mean, c'mon, He's not even tangible or someone you can see. Ohhh… was I wrong. When you experience this intimate relationship with Him, it feels so much more real than anything you could ever experience with someone who is tangible! 


I'm constantly thanking God for all the things He has done in my life, even the negative and bad experiences.

"How can you be thankful for the bad experiences??"

Your probably asking yourself that question and I definitely at one point asked myself that very same question. I can now answer it and I will answer it for you too! 

Lets first start with just a little quick overview of the bad experiences I faced in my past…

• Sexually abused when I was 6
• Bullied and called "cow" because I was overweight
• Depression/suicidal thoughts
• Eating Disorder
• Father passed away when I was 18
• Dependence on medication and alcohol to numb my pain
• Unhealthy relationships with guys
• Attempted suicide 3 times. 3rd attempt was a very close call

I was extremely angry at God for many years because of these experiences. All I could think was that if God was a "good God" as so many people said, then why would He have allowed these things to happen?? 

Let me tell you something, God is sovereign! He can use ANYTHING, even the bad, for His glory and to defeat the enemy. That is exactly what He did with my life. I didn't think there was any hope for me, but the beginning of this year, after I finally gave up and gave God control of my entire life, I was rescued! 

I'm healing from these wounds because I am now sharing with others the hope I have and how there is hope for them as well.

But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.    - 1 Peter 3:15

The enemy had a very good grasp over my life for many years, yet through confession, repentance, and the body of Christ, I have found healing and restoration. Now, I can freely share my story with countless girls who have experienced similar things and show them how amazing God is and how it is ONLY because of Him that my life has changed and that I no longer hold on to bitterness and anger.


The verse that resounds in my head is 2 Corinthians 5:17, which says:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 

Amen to that! How can I not be thankful for everything in my life, including the bad, when even the bad can be used to glorify God and shine His light unto this dark world! The enemy no longer has a hold of me! Don't let the enemy keep you bondage to your past or sins, there is freedom in Christ!